this is stupid.

bored.

2004-10-31T00:20:32Z

Bradley Jones
Pod 14
10.01.04

profundity of disconnect
"It all starts with something that doesn't quite fit. A contradictory fact that just won't go away. It doesn't have to be a big thing, it can be a little annoying fact in the back of someone's mind. Take the fact that summer is hot and winter is cold. Geocentric astronomy failed to explain why the seasons were so different, a problem that kept bothering 16th century Nicolas Copernicus. The world hasn't been the same since."
-Michael David Schacker, The Organic Shift

In attempting to look back on my environmental heritage, I thought at first that I found nothing. I thought that I had looked into an empty set of relations - that the environment had absolutely no bearing on my upbringing. I wasn't exactly raised a pagan. However, on further reflection I found rather interesting and distinct symptoms and signs of a negative relation with what I now understand as deep ecology. The relation I’ve examined is more accurately not a relation at all, but only significant because of the profundity of the disconnect. It would appear that my heritage is the culmination of a centuries long attempt to distance human life from the messiness of the biosphere, and create instead an imagined shining jewel of perfectly insulated mechanical human order. A world, unfortunately, without room for the complexity of environmental effects, which, discounted by the gem's creators for too long, have made their importance increasingly more tangible.
At first I wasn't sure it would be possible to write a paper on a lack of connection, or how I could describe the significance of the space between two antithetical paradigms. But as I thought about it, I realized that it was exactly this disconnect that has likely been the single largest influence in my life - for whenever I asked the bigger questions of my family, and of society at large, I only found an echo of "there is no answer here," which kept me looking for a very long time.
I never accepted that there weren't answers to the problems that I found with the world, and I couldn't be content until I found some. This lack of answer and understanding had manifold ramifications on me, in my psychological and intellectual development. In retrospect, it is clear that I reacted with increasing hostility to every new lie and inadequate truth that I was confronted with. Society suggests to children that there is always an answer, yet instead of sensible or intuitive explanations, you are always directed to higher and higher authorities. Fortunately, I never, ever listened to them. Unfortunately, rebellion does not equal or even necessarily cause positive change.
Of course, I was obviously imprinted and educated by the teachers' examples in many ways. However, I find myself lucky in that my first instinct has always and forever been disbelief, especially of authority figures. On the other hand, I find myself unlucky in that in all that doubting and questioning in my early life I was never directed to anything which wasn't fundamentally bullshit. In effect, by rebelling against my human mentors, I was simply subjected to proportionately more education by the mass culture, i.e. The TV and radio that I absorbed almost constantly.
In looking into my family's history, I’ve seen only a drive toward modernism, with it's anthropomagnification and endlessly self-referenced solutions. My grandparents and parents all worked very hard to make sure that I had a chance to be bourgeois, and that is exactly what I was raised to be - an member of an elite, tasteful and intelligent upper-middle class. Ultimately it was only a fortuitous combination of three things prevented this; my rebellious instinct which slowly helped me to think for myself, a discovery of fascinating conceptual and utilitarian complexity, and a concussion. All that, and the fundamental unsustainability of the American lifestyle.

heritage is a multi-foliate thing.

When you're talking about heritage in Jackson, Mississippi, or in most any part of the deep south, you're talking about race. Race is the issue in the south, almost all political movement is still oriented around it. Black history month in the jackson public schools was a big deal. Everyone was perpetually concerned about healing the race divide, to the exclusion of most anything else. By sixth grade, I was really sick of it. Several times through public school I was in the minority with respect to black people; in fact, I was the only white male in my eighth grade class.
I was taught in detail, several times, the complexities of the race history of our state, and knew the present day complexities from personal experience. I knew that most of my friends were black, but there were lots of parts of town that I was scared to visit, and that those parts were mostly populated by blacks. In my hometown of Fulton, in northeast Mississippi, I can remember my grandmother talking about the new church they were opening and the discussion they'd had about whether or not to allow blacks in the congregation. I was aware of many white racists in my neighborhood, I ran into them, of all ages, wherever I went. The tension was everywhere, but it never interested me in the slightest. My take on it was simple; it's just plain dumb. I wanted nothing to to with it, with either side of the issue. Arguing something so obvious seemed pointless. I had interest neither in either preaching to the choir, nor arguing with the bizarre views of sincere racists. I wished lazily that everyone would just get over it, and meanwhile tried to find a discussion that was worth having.
My personal heritage was another issue in which I had a total lack of interest, despite incessant indoctrination as to it's importance. My family was as american as MTV. There was some rumor of scotch-irish heritage on my mothers side, a feature ubiquitous in the south. Someone somewhen had certainly come from peasant farmers, but no one could remember any actual immigrants in our family line, so it always seemed pretty irrelevant. My father was an army brat and so lost any roots he might have had to constant transplanting. Which left me, in the eighties and nineties, with all the buzz about finding your roots, your origins, your ethnicity, as nothing but a product of our mass media culture, trying to believe in the importance of what I was taught, but never finding any.
My childhood in suburban Mississippi was typical of the eighties. My parents worked all the time, so I was raised on microwave pizza and TV. Very few of my early memories take place outside. I remember gardening was one of my mother's many hobbies, and it got a proportionate share of her attention, which is to say, rather little. I remember once when I was young, I tried growing radishes in the middle of our back yard. One of the few benefits of a southern upbringing was a fine appreciation of vegetables, cooked as deliciously as any meat or processed food. I can still remember so clearly the woman across the street who would take my sister and I for an afternoon and cook sweet creamed corn, green beans with ham hock, mashed potatoes and butter, all in the classic southern style. As near as I can remember, my favorite childhood snacks were cucumbers and radishes, but I was enthusiastic about everything from green beans and corn to cauliflower and brussel sprouts. My radish experiment, however, led nowhere.
My childhood was more about books and computers than about ever seeing sunlight. The nearest thing to a natural refuge I ever had was a large concrete drainage where I’d occasionally try to build dams, or explore the sewers as far as my courage would take me. It wasn't until my twenties that I found people who could teach me about the beauty of wilderness. Until then it's only appeal was escape, since you could be fairly sure of your privacy in any forested area.
In every case, the nonhuman was trivialized or marginalized. There were pets and lawns, and there were bugs and weeds. Nature was made into a non-issue, perpetually irrelevant. I never even gave it a second thought, until in college I read Paul and Anne Erhlich's "The Population Bomb" and "The Permaculture Design Manual." At the same time as I was reading these books I had a fairly serious bicycle accident in which I flew over my handlebars, landed on my face, and broke it. After recuperating for a week or so, I returned to school, and almost immediately started attending activist meetings. My roommate also reported that I seemed different, though subjectively, I still felt like me. I’ve still never been able to determine whether it was the exposure to new ideas or blunt force trauma that finally made me see things a different way. Perhaps a little of both.
My early adventures into environmentalism seemed like I was exploring an entirely new world. It was something that I had never been exposed to, that I had no way of integrating into what I had seen of life except for slow and painful self-force-fed osmosis. It was quite difficult. Many times it looked like apathy and anesthetic would win out over the sensitivity and understanding I needed to attain a deep ecological outlook. Without even knowing it, I had been the victim of a pervasive and generations-long indoctrination of powerlessness, insensitivity and hopelessness, and it was this heritage I was fighting back against.
My father's father was born to a family of arkansan cotton farmers during an age when family-farmed cotton was slowly becoming insupportable. My grandfathers family believed that it would all turn around eventually, that "cotton was king," despite a clear trend towards mechanization and new crops. My grandfather Doyle apparently tried for quite a while to make his father see this and begin to try new things. His family, however, stuck to it to the last. After Doyle had abandoned that particular sinking ship, he went off trying to build enough capital to become a cattle rancher. Though he held a succession of rather adventurous jobs, he never made enough to start his dream. He was eventually was forced to join the army, for "three hots and a cot."
He was smart and capable, and repeatedly rose to warrant officer (the highest military position open to anyone without a GED) and was repeatedly demoted for conflicts with authority. He was a carver and a whittler and minor inventor, deadly with a throwing knife, and apparently capable of clipping a cigarette into quarters with a bull-whip. He was stationed at home during W.W.II, and met my grandmother after the war. They lived in california while my family lived in Mississippi, so I saw them very rarely. He died of Parkinson's when I was twelve.
My father's mother, Barbara, was born to a middle class family in berkeley, and did typical stuff that you'd imagine a grandmother would do living through the forties, fifties and sixties, until my parents generation came of age. She played piano, worked in the school system, learned how to operate punch card machines, and got a degree in art later in life. She has always seemed to me to be smart and capable, but broken, and had a lot of difficulty relating to people. She met my grandfather while she was in school, and he was a senior sergeant at the rotc. They got married and settled down in the contemporary style. She lives near mill valley, and still golfs and dates.
My mother's father was the oldest of six children, in Itawamba county Mississippi, one of the poorest counties in the poorest state in the nation. His mother died in childbirth when he was 14, and his father died two years later. My grandfather delmus was left with raising them all, and promised not to get married until all of them were out of high school. While raising them he held a number of jobs in printing and publishing. He eventually bought his home town's news paper, the fulton news beacon, changed it's name to the Itawamba county times, and developed it into a successful and award-winning publication. He was industrious, and an industrialist, and always kept up with the state of the art. He was a chronic workaholic, and died of a heart attack before I was born.
My mother's mother was born poor as dirt on a failing subsistence homestead in rural Mississippi. Her father died when she was very young, and her mother and sisters all moved to live with family in Amory, Mississippi. She somehow managed to get through college and become a teacher. After marrying my grandfather, she got a masters in library science, and became the librarian for Itawamba county. She was and is a very proper southern lady, educated and polite and bored.
There is one more aspect of my environmental "heritage" that is particularly uncomfortable. It is biome of the deep south itself. It is particularly hated all it's inhabitants, in my opinion, this dislike is fairly rational. To start, the climate of the region is naturally hot and humid. This effect is magnified by the glare and thermal mass of ubiquitous concrete and metal. The terrain of Mississippi is naturally swampy, but it's natural aspect is conquered by gullies and drainage, leaving still, moist air, full of small, darting mosquitoes, parasites, and airborne mold.
To go outside on a hot summer day in any town or suburban area in Mississippi is truly a dreadful thing for the weak American constitution. It's a bright broiling sauna, full of things that want to feed off of you. Thats one reason I left, and the main reason I can never live there again; I’m allergic to the air.

the salvageable

It seems clear to me now that my family's history has been defined by the drive towards exactly the sort of dysfunctional society we have today. There is no evidence of any questioning of anthropoimperialist ideology at any point in recent history. Instead, my family has been a textbook example of humanity at it's industrial apex, self-made and successful. Unfortunately, my generation has been forced to call all my ancestors achievements into question, and assess them from a radically different standpoint. From their point of view, I was given everything, uncounted opportunities. From an environmental heritage point of view, I was given nothing except the chance to invent one.
It's easier than it feels it should be to forgive my family for their oversight, their error in analysis. From some angles it feels necessary, even powerful and portentous, that society was forced to come full circle, to attempt the impossible and finally eliminate and replace itself in order to create the next big idea. So, in every way, I feel honored and blessed that I have been placed at the crest of the breaking wave, where I am afforded the most incredible view in every direction, and unlimited excitement and anticipation for what the world will look like when our wave meets the sand and falls back.

this survey comes from mars

2004-10-18T05:48:58Z

rate yourself on a scale of 1-10 (where 1 is your average republican loser and 10 is the best Whatever you've ever met, Not einstein):

1. your intelligence: 9.4

2. your sex appeal: 7-8.5

3. your likeablilty: 6-8

4. your hipness: 6

5. your awesomeness: 10

6. your intensity: 7-10

7. your fun capacity: 8

8. your drama tolerance: 5

9. your creativity: 9

10. your spontaneity: 7.5

11. your adaptability: 9

12. your taste in music: 9.5 (with exceptions)

13. your taste in literature: 10 (adjusted arbitrarily)

14. your taste in art: 5 (most of that crap i just got no use for)

15. your taste in the opposite sex: 10 or n/a

16. your bullshit tolerance: 7.5

17. your boringness: 6

18. your will to live: 7.5

19. your independance: objectively indeterminable- oxymoronic

20. your honesty and objectivity in responding to surveys: 10

what you like most about yourself: wierdness

your greatest pretense: unfuckwithable

your biggest weakness: unfocused/stoner

your tragic flaw: nihilism

your saving grace: analysis

bleh!

2004-10-12T21:47:49Z

do you's
1. do you think im cute?
2. do you want to kiss me?
3. do you want to cuddle wit me?
4. do you want to hook up with me?
5. do you think im smart?

are we's
1. are we aquintences?
2. are we friends?
3. are we hook ups?
4. are we in a relationship?
5. are we gonna have kids?

am i's
1. am i smart?
2. am i cute?
3. am i funny?
4. am i cool?
5. am i the most brilliant person ever?

would you's
1. would you hang out with me?
2. would you date me?
3. would you be my hook up?
4. would you be my girlfriend/boyfriend?
5. would you have sex with me?

have you ever?
1. have you ever thought about me?
2. have you ever thought there might be an "us"?
3. have you ever thought about about hookin up with me?
4. have you ever found yourself wanting a kiss from me?
5. have you ever wished i were there?

are you's
1. are you done with this survey?
2. are you happy you know me?
3. are you mad at me?
4. are you thinkin bout me?
5. are you going to repost this so that i will return the favor?

rock

2004-10-11T22:14:14Z

\m/ >_< \m/

novanervous @ 2004-10-06T09:11:00

2004-10-06T16:11:04Z

massive site update, this rules my morning.

that and the first internet for a few days - my pirated service mysteriously disipated. so - free coffeeshop internet (they just want your cc#&c.)

it's 9:03 in the am. i've been to a job interview, i'm high on hippiespeedball, my wife is still asleep.

i'm also high on sunlight.

it's the best drug. the best color.

i was walking yesterday, around five, with the sun sliding down, slantwise in the hurrying fashio0n of fall on jumpstart,

buut the polarized light. it was terrible.

the light slides down for hours at less than 45degrees, and then hangs there for a while, until you can't see anything but the partially refracted bouncings of light beams, which is not the same as the real thing.

then the sun feels like just the light in the microwaves. it's never especially HOT, but you still feel like your baking, permeated.

monday i have my orientation for my job at the ups plant.

i'mn'a be a fucking drone with full medical benefits for 3.5-7 hours a day. i get off shift before you get up.

i'll have a few hours of being automatonical every weekday morning before the sun comes up, to pay for my wife's glasses...

strange strange what life throws in front of you. i'mna be a teamster.

no.

really.

dream of the mad shaman

2004-09-10T15:02:53Z

walking down the street when the man next to me opened fire.

i jumped behind ia tiny wall.

he kept shooting at nothing aparent with ihis silver revolver, looking like he was thinking of something else, never appearing to hit anything at all, i dodged into an alley and got all dead ended. i saw a balcony and thought i might be able to cross over rooves, but raninto brian barnes and some other peoples. the dog bit me twice. i told them about th man, and that i had to get to the dentists.

i thinki i got to the dentists, or maybe just next door, when a girl took me, naked, and smeared white stuff all over me, tied my wrists, and led the rope beteen my legs, up my back and around my neck.

there was something in there about a boy finding true love and true lust at the same time. i'm not sure it was the same story line.

the girl led me out the window, and onto the heather purple path, in a dark and alien world that was overlaid on the city. as i was climbing out the window she told me how she hated me and my kind, how she'd tried to follow us and find out what we did, but she only found herself walking down the street, following a crazy man. i thought of the man with the gun.

i don't know where i went or what i did, but i remember returning along the sun's silver road, too bright to look at, like silver lava. i took a right onto the green heather path,that led back to the window, and then woke up again, clean, with my head shaved. there was something else to do, and we got into the car, an suv, and went back out onto the streets that i recognized as having only moments ago been heather and fiery. i paused before turning onto the sunpath/hwy101, totally wierded out, and breaking into laughter.

queries vs. queries

2004-09-07T21:36:15Z

#1. Are you happy? If not, how would you fix it?

thinking too much is very dangerous for me these days. my life is too complicated for simple adjectives.

sometimes i'm happy. these days i'm working more on sober.

#2. What is the worst thing that you have ever done?

cheated on a girl, talked her into getting back with me, and cheated again. ditched people who needed me.

#3. Do you believe in love at first sight? why?

i believe in infatuation at first sight, and i believe in love... love at first sight is too vague, also irrelevant. what would i do with love at first sight if i found it?

#4. Do you believe that people can learn from their mistakes? Or are they
doomed to lather, rinse & repeat?

it mostly depends on the person. i'm determined to change, only problem being, i'm not sure how i can get much more awesome.

#5. What is the best recreational drug you have ever used & why?

salvia divinorum is the all around best, for being a totally transcendant herb, and non-addictive since it'll scare the pants off of you...

5-5-meo dmt is the awesomest, for winning in pure intensity. total personality disconnect.

herb is my DOC.

{You can do this if you want:
#1. Leave a comment, saying you want to be interviewed.
#2. I will respond; I'll ask you five questions.
#3. You'll update your journal with my five questions, and your five answers.
#4. You'll include this explanation.
#5. You'll ask other people five questions when they want to be interviewed}

would you love me, if i was stoic?

2004-08-30T02:03:54Z

You are a RPYT--Reserved Practical Physical Taker. This makes you a Stoic.

You are intelligent, rugged, disciplined and profound. Even if you're saddled with a desk job, you are starving for the outdoors. You are very slow to warm up to people, and people are slow to warm up to you, but once they know you they never forget you.

You do not get much attention from your target sex, and this means you can feel unloved or unwanted. This is not the case! You are just a hard nut to crack, and your social anxiety leaves you overlooked or outside the frame altogether. What is good for you is increments of low-interaction group activity, like sports or outdoor work. The person who can chop wood with you will melt your heart.

In a long term relationship, you are loving and devoted. You are calm in a conflict until your partner presses your buttons -- it's never the problem at hand that gets under your skin, but how your partner handles it. Don't take offense! Sometimes it's just the only way your partner knows how to express things.

You would never cheat, and your approach to sex is conventional and almost prudish. But sex for you is a release and a necessity of life, and you have a sense of entitlement about it that can be trouble. Make sure your partner is comfortable and satisfied -- by communicating both in and out of the bedroom -- and you will be more satisfied yourself.

You may take a lot of what your partner does for granted. Make a special effort to reward and validate him/her, and you will be repaid in spades.

You have nice legs.

Of the 21741 people who have taken this quiz, 3.7 % are this type.

novanervous @ 2004-08-23T00:54:00

2004-08-23T08:07:11Z

http://www.sinfest.net/d/20040823.html

loryn is my only lj friend.

2004-08-21T06:37:53Z

1) What's your fuckin' problem?

the olympics. neo-conservatives who live in poor areas. decay. the mechanistic paradigm.

2) What do you fear the least?

idiots in power. it's too funny to be mad.

3) Who or what do you wish you hated, but can't bring yourself to do it?

i hate everybody who needs hatin

4) Who's in control?

the controls are busted. cause and effect has been suspended.

5) Compose a phrase:

compost the craze.

6) What's your excuse?

you.

7) Multiple Independently-targetable Re-entry Vehicles

that's me all over. call me daddy.

8) Define art (if you don't give a fuck, define complacency)

it's the aesthetic that comes after utility.

9) Who would win in a fight?

william. i know i couldn't hit him.

10) How do you think who or whatever created you feels?

not bored yet (i'm still here)

the benefit of online communiites

2004-08-05T07:44:36Z

i am a proud member of suicide girls.they help me beat the infernal peasants quest.

also, something, i forget. the transreal, and oldskool comix

stuff like that.

also robert mondavi private selection chardonnay, 2002

figuring soulseek for mac, and making backups.

life, comma, the.

homestar runner

2004-08-03T00:00:26Z

if you're playing peasant's quest, let us help each other.

if this is the fifth time you''ve read this plea from me, also in myspace, in my sg account, on friendster...

sorry.

http://www.hoogerbrugge.com/ml.html

2004-07-30T01:32:48Z

http://www.hoogerbrugge.com/ml.html

optional

2004-07-25T18:35:30Z

[wist]...it's so true... [/wist]

2004-07-06T07:29:20Z

my wedding ceremony. fucking yay.

2004-06-22T20:40:50Z

the "official" and guests arrive at full dark. the "bride" and "groom" will have arrived prior.

guests remain on the ground, the official will climb onto the rock. the couple will be sitting, and will rise.

official "so guys. whats up?"

boy "i want to marry her."

girl "i want to marry him."

official "good. glad. right. you're married."

kiss+cheers

official "who's got something real important to say?"

input any input

official "if that's it, then by the power vested in me, which is none and from nowhere, i say unto thee, it's too late now, but i hope you understand forever."

offficial takes girl by shoulders "you! be good. do right."

official takes boy by shoulders "you! be good. do right."

official "now! lets go party."

official leads all to the party.

cc'd from other shite, you're the last to know.

2004-05-28T17:42:28Z

from one pov, having a baby that you don't want is utterly stupid - and since i can and "have a right to" undo the mistake, undo the accidental life... lets not be euphemistic: KILL THE FUCKER, probly i should.

another pov is that abortion is murder

my personal pov is - murder doesn't bother me much.

another pov is that having a kid would be good for me, give my life definition and timetables, FORCE me to grow up, etc.

another pov is that that probably wouldn't work out like i'd hope, and moreover it's a TERRIBLE reason to have a kid.

theres the pov that my life, while pointed in an interesting direction, wasn't really moving with any significant speed...

my baby's mama had no life, not in any healthy sense, and my life wasn't really remarkable, it was just slowly incubating, and this would definitely shake things up.

again: a terrible reason to have a kid.

we fit together well enough, to be stable enough, to make it through years and years of bullshit.

we've got nothing going for us careerwise.

we'd probably both be good parents.

we might end up killing each other.

i suppose i could keep going - but i'm getting towards the point -

there's no way to make this decision.

there's no way to come to an agreement, since she almost unilaterally wants the baby, and i don't.

i'm determined to be the father if we have it, she's willing to consider killing it....

which leads us all to:
WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO NOW?

i figure there's even money that the kid would be happy and well adjusted, and something like the same odds for our happiness, too...

can i go through the temporary complications of abortion to avoid the life shattering difficulty of adapting to fatherhood? should i? when it could be a wonderfull thing? though it could be a disaster?

where to now? what's the next step?

hi there.

2004-05-24T16:44:37Z

The Evil Overlord Prophecy Thing! by eon337
What is your awe-inspiring name?
Date you will usurp power:	August 12, 1730
You will usurp power from:	The only person on Antartica.
Your trusted second in command will be:	The voices in your head.
Your base of operations will be:	A secret base in a volcanoe.
Your secret weakness will be:	Food.

Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

supersize me.

2004-05-05T19:06:56Z

Interview: Morgan Spurlock

The director of Super Size Me tells us all about eating Mickey D's for 30 days.

http://filmforce.ign.com/articles/511/511370p1.html

i'm not on fire, i'm boiling.

2004-05-05T18:55:53Z

goddamnit mississippi, you're turning me into a liar for saying it's not like that anymore.

sunherald.com/mld/sunherald/8502677.htm

Man found hanging in tree in Wilkinson County

Associated Press

WOODVILLE, Miss. - Family members say a man found Friday hanging from a tree in rural Mississippi had returned home to fight for his family's land.

The body of 52-year-old Roy Veal was discovered in Wilkinson County, relatives said.

Warren Strain, spokesman of the Mississippi Department of Public Safety, said the body was discovered about midday in a wooded area of the county near Woodville. Authorities declined to identify the man pending notification of relatives.

But Doris Gordon, a Woodville native now living in San Francisco, said the victim was her brother, Roy Veal of Washington state. Thelma Veal, the man's mother, also confirmed the identity.

"They found my brother hanging from a tree with a hood over his head and some papers burned at his feet," Gordon said in a telephone interview with The Associated Press from San Francisco. "It's awful. We don't know who did it."

Gordon, who said she would be returning to Woodville as soon as possible, said her brother had returned to the family home in Wilkinson County "to help with a lawsuit pending against our family."

"There are people trying to take part of our land because they apparently think there is oil on the land," she said.

Officials at the chancery clerk's office in Woodville said a lawsuit pending in chancery court names several members of the Thelma Veal family, including Doris Gordon and apparently Roy Veal, as defendants.

Chancery Clerk Thomas Tolliver Jr., said the case involved title to land in the county and damages.

Thelma Veal said the lawsuit sought portions of land owned by her late husband and his brothers. She said her son had obtained a map of the property and was collecting documents to prove the family owned the land.

"Now they have found my son hung back there on a tree," said Thelma Veal, 79.

She said her husband owned more than 40 acres in the area southwest of Woodville and that it was being sought because it might have oil deposits.

There is oil production in that area of the state.

"My husband's daddy bought this land in 1926 and I've been here ever since I was 18," she said. "It's our land."

Strain said the Highway Patrol's Bureau of Investigation was looking into the circumstances around the death.

County Coroner Travis Sharp said he had not been contacted about the death and the sheriff's department declined any comment when contacted Friday.

masturbation vs. dignity

2004-04-29T22:31:46Z

piano through the ceiling and masturbation vs. dignity.

i slept for nine hours, and still can't get up. dreamt of my baby and a stolen car, handing out orders,

must get up! must go weed. must get the fuck out of here.

last night

2004-04-29T22:31:20Z

i eat like a pig, and work like one too - i rut in the ground, and lay in the shade. i'm the worlds only sweatin' pig.

i'm working for nothing and no reason, my days are filled with dreams and memories, and serious consideration of my future.

my mind is asleep all day long, my thoughts come from nowhere like dreams.

i'm filled with anti-politics, the politics taht preaches that all politics should burn up like meteorites on reentry, leaving no trace and only irrelevant memories. i preach my anti-politics, and get riled up when it's not obvious to everyone, exactly what i'm talking about, it turns my stomach to hear people i'd like to like counter with the politics of defeat, to hear them claim that nothing will ever change makes me want to throw up on them.

i'm sun soaked and changing colors, i'm bound and determined, i'm meditative and paranoid.

i'm too tired of myself to go on like this, not bored, just sick of it.

humanity, i'm bored with.

i want to make music tto talk to. i want to do something for the world, not for people. i want to do away with moeny, or have more than i need.

i want to protect my child.

i want to be a writer, and i want to stop starting alll my sentances with i and my.

lots of thoughts jumbled together

2004-04-29T22:30:57Z

according to this book, you are free to do anything as long as it does not restrict your own or anyone else's freedom of actions.

(i'm gonna be a writer)

um 0

reduce reuse recycle was always pretty abstract to me, recycling was the only one of the three that i understood, and i was never too excited about it - it wasn't until i'd been at moonshadow a while that i understood reducing or reusing, and now it's a slogan i try to live by.

something about writerhood, something also about novels, and selling writings - more exactly - writing things that can sell.

something about trying to elaborate, something about manual typewriters. just interpolate the conversation that is between these fragments, if i could type fast enought o follow my train of thought....
it just might make sense. but i can't promise anyting.

i couldn't promise my baby's momma that i wouldn't have sex with boys this beltane.

i can tell her i've decided not to, and that's true. but all i really know about life anymore is that it's wierd - and that its usually wierrder than you expect. which makes it hard to make any solid predictions or even decisions for that matter.

life is emo. anyone who says otherwise proably isn't paying attention, or is broken.

it's tough, but mostly on the inside.

this is the way it is for me, my peergroup, my generation. we haven't really got the right to sing the blues. we're too lazy to be punk. we're too optimisitic to be goth. we're too depressed to be pop. we're too fucking angry to be jazz.

ANGRRRYYY!

oh god, i woke up this morning, walked into the kitchen to see bush yammering, first thing in the morning, talking to community college people. you'd think he had speech writers and teleprompters, but he's up there sounding like a person of average intelligence and very little preparation. if he's got professionals backing him up, and he still sounds that bad, that looks to me like near-proof that he's an idiot.

and his goddamn approval ratings are up.

my whole life has been in limbo, i wondered for decades what i was going to do with my life. only recently have i managed to stop wondering and let it go, masomenos. but now i'm in a hurry all over again. and every time i tihnk that thought, my back sends me a little pain.

but back when i was in limbo, i'd throw out thinks like, it makes me want to be a pollster just so i could find that demographic that is the heart of bush's 53% approval ratings, cuz deep down, i don't really believe they exist.

for one thing, it hurts my head to believe there are so many people who just aren't paying enough attention to notice what's going on.

for another thing, it pisses me off that people like him MORE , _BECAUSE_ he starts losing a war. that's just too fucked up to deserve existing.

another prongg of civilizations attack on the human mind, keep it so busy it can't pay atttention. a twin prong of the "confuse it until it doesn't want to pay attention" attack, which is just the more insidious brother of the general disinformation cointelpro shite.

oh deariedear. beddybye.

on nightmares

2004-04-24T15:59:00Z

if nada's infecte d my dreams, i'm going to be very upset.

nightmares make mundanity seem welcoming and comfortable as an old coat, but also horrible.

like a lie. how can everything be simple, determinededly following cause and effect, when peoples faces are shifting clay in my mind? like trying to hide from nuclear holocaust in that old coat.

nightlight's light under the door, infinitely reassuring, but the thought of waking is only slightly less horrible than the thought of sleeping.

what can you do when the monsters are in your head? there's no point in turning on the light. you're still there.

in dreams you can sometimes escape you, that's why they're so restfull.

but what if you escape you, only to find something worse?

something infinitely worse.

and what now?

working myself to sleep

2004-04-24T15:58:13Z

nightfall and here i am.

sore and sores and sore in the head. maybe it's time to give up sobriety. maybe drugs ARE the answer.

hhesitation and laziness, and i'm trying to avoid the use of magicks. my future is hazy, almost as much as that of my unborn baby.

i'm trying to avoid using my powers of unpredictability to fuck with all the lives i'm touching right now. i'm trying to avoid using my powers up.

i'm trying to access the powers of reason behind chaos, or maybe that's vice versa. i'm trying to learn to touch the universe.

i'm trying to learn to live by learning to be still. to learn to see by learning how to not think.

to become myself by destroying myself.

etc etc and yadda yadda and like anybody really cares.

we've all heard the paradoxes before. instead, be gore.

accessing fugue states and transitional consciousnesses, a quirky mix of dreaming in awareness, in a robot state. on the edge of unconciousness.

i'm hiding from you, but you don't know it.

my hands are broken open, but not for any good reason. my feet are broken open from laziness, and from work.

the death of jesus is irrelevant, billions of christians missed the point.

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